As adults, we generally understand the concept of boundaries for ourselves and those around us, from our relationships with friends and family to the ones we have with our employers, doctors, and even strangers. Boundaries are a necessity of life that are often so nuanced that sometimes it is even difficult for some adults to grasp even more so when it comes to parenting. Healthy boundaries define what is safe and appropriate for ourselves and those we interact with in our everyday lives, with boundaries able to be broken down into categories of physical, emotional, behavioral, intellectual, time, sexual, financial, material, and intellectual. As parents and caregivers, we are our children’s first introduction to what healthy boundaries look like and the appropriate ways to communicate them.

Boundaries are a major key in your child’s ability to build skills necessary for life, such as patience or delayed gratification, problem-solving and decision-making, resourcefulness, responsibility, self-regulation, self-discipline, and respect for themselves and others. Boundaries are just as important for parents as they for children. Setting boundaries creates an environment that allows you as a parent to reduce your own stress by maintaining a healthy balance of control, teaches your child to be self-sufficient, strengthens the relationship by fostering trust, and increases your confidence as a parent when you show the ability to follow through. Boundaries create structure and security for everyone involved.

While boundaries are necessary and important, if done incorrectly it can be detrimental to the parent-child relationship as well as the child’s development. Maturity level, risk level, age, and cognitive ability are all aspects of boundary setting with your child that are pertinent especially if you are a parent of a child with mental health concerns. You have to remember that boundaries are meant to prioritize your child’s safety and well-being while giving them space to make healthy mistakes that allow them to learn and grow; you won’t be able to protect them from everything.

Steps for making age-appropriate boundaries:

Involve your child in the discussion to encourage buy-in
Identify the desired behavior you are looking to achieve
Clearly communicate what the expectation is and why it is necessary
Detail the natural consequence if the expectation is not met
Detail the rewards for when expectations are met or exceeded

You want to ensure that you are creating age-appropriate boundaries for your child and following through with them to keep the trust and respect in the relationship intact.

The biggest thing you need to understand is that you and your child may not get it right the first term and there is nothing wrong with that. You may get pushback from your child as you are attempting to implement a new structure in your home environment. Sometimes, when introducing a new structure to your home, you may have to experience an extinction burst, which, simply put, is an increase in frequency, intensity, or duration of the undesirable behavior(s) that you are attempting to change. Simply put this means things may get worse before they get better. Before the boundaries and structure, your child may have been accustomed to their undesirable behavior(s) meeting their needs or getting the outcome they wanted so they may double down to return to what they have been used to. It will essentially be a battle of wills between you and your child, one that you need to and can win.

To move through an extinction burst effectively follow this advice:

Stay calm – Your child may attempt to provoke you; make an effort to stay in your wise mind. Don’t take anything said or done personally.
Stay consistent – You may want to negotiate or give in to get relief from the outburst, this is a short-term fix that can set you back in the long run.
Stay prepared – Cope ahead for everything that could possibly go wrong. Be proactive rather than reactive.
Stay patient – Nothing will change overnight. Nothing is a quick fix. Remember that this is all temporary. Choose your hard – a moment of hard right now or a lifetime of hard later.
Positive reinforcement – Remember that boundaries are not all about consequences if they get it wrong, but also rewards and incentives for when they get it right.
Get support – Whether it is a next-door neighbor, school personnel, family, friends, or mental health providers, have people in your corner to help you and your family through the transition period.

Below are links to therapeutic worksheets that can assist with setting boundaries in the home with your child.

https://positivepsychology.com/healthy-boundaries-worksheets

https://parentandteen.com/creating-safe-boundaries/

https://mentalhealthcenterkids.com/blogs/articles/boundaries-for-teens