Mental Health in the Digital Age: Parenting in the Tech World

This interview with Titiana Jordan of bark and Rajeive Manradgh of Hillside addresses the challenges parents face in raising children in a technology-driven environment. It discusses strategies for fostering healthy digital habits, setting boundaries for screen time, and encouraging open communication about online experiences. The role of parents in promoting positive mental health amidst the digital landscape is emphasized.

Video Transcript:

Welcome to Mental Health in the Digital Age. I’m Titania Jordan, and I’m here with Rajeive Manradgh, or RJ for short. I’m so excited to be talking to you and I’m so grateful for all you do. Please tell everybody watching and listening what it is that you do at Hillside.

I’ve been at Hillside for a number of years, actually since June 2012, which is crazy to believe. I’ve been here for 12 going on 12 years, and I’ve served in a couple of different roles here. I started out as a behavioral specialist working directly with the kids on the cottages, which inspired me to go back to school to get my degree in clinical mental health counseling. And so now, fast forward, I’m one of our lead therapists on campus.

Wow, you have changed so many lives for the better. I know that there are so many families out there that are so grateful for your efforts, so thank you again. I really can’t thank you enough, of course. Being in this role, in a variety of roles since 2012… back then, the majority of children did not have smartphones. Instagram didn’t even exist. Fast forward to today, we’re on the other side of a pandemic. The majority of children do have smartphones and TikTok, Discord, BeReal, Reddit, Snapchat… like the list goes on and on and on.

So I am super interested to hear what you have observed. What are the shifts and changes that you have seen in children in their mental health over the past 12 years? You know, since you just said that, I was actually trying to think, did I have a smartphone in 2012? I probably didn’t. I probably had a Blackberry. So yeah, there’s been a lot of shifts over the past 12 years that I’ve noticed, even the last couple of years, and especially with technology. Every day I’m hearing about a new platform, a new website to listen to music on, a new forum, a new D&D club on another platform.

So it’s just been a lot to educate myself on. And you know, serving as an individual and family therapist, one of the constant themes we’re having a lot of conversations about is around technology and its effect on mental health.

I have so many questions. My son is 14 going on 15; he’s a freshman in high school. And despite knowing what I know and being in the space that I’m in, helping to keep kids safer online and in real life, I made a lot of mistakes. I let him have access to tech too early, too often. I let him have social media before he should have. I’ve seen the results of a lot of negatives. Have I seen positives? Absolutely. Especially during the pandemic, having an only child, that was one of his only ways to connect with peers, right? We were all locked down. But if I could go back in time, I would absolutely delay, delay so much access.

I want to know, from your perspective, would you say social media is all bad, or does it just need more balance and insight?

That’s a really good question. So one of the things that we teach here at Hillside is to think that two opposite things can both be true. It’s called a dialectic. Social media can have a lot of benefits, and a lot of healthy things can come out of social media, and there could be a lot of downfalls. So I think we try to strike a balance, which we call a middle path. Let’s have an open conversation about some of the healthy things that we can gain from technology, and let’s have an open conversation about what we should be more cautious about with technology. Social media is rapidly developing, so it’s hard to keep up with it even as a parent.

So I can just imagine that when you were giving your son access to stuff, it was hard to keep up, and mistakes come along the way. So I think it’s just important that you educate yourself constantly on what is going on, to the best of your ability, and recognize that mistakes may come along the way, and we can work through it. Social media gives people the opportunity to connect. People might feel more comfortable being themselves online. And I just think once parents can be involved with that open conversation and get kids on board… These are the things I want you to tell me about if you see something like this. Then I think we strike that balance. So I don’t think it’s all good or all bad. I think it can be both.

One thing I love about your perspective is how to truly connect with a child as an adult. When we’re concerned about this together and we can work through this together, you know, making sure that you know it’s not just the parent saying, “This is bad, don’t do this.” It’s, “Hey, let’s talk about this and try to understand what’s going on.”

Yeah. I think that is a very important question because some parents might lean too much on the side of acceptance, like, “Yes, let’s not ask them to change.” And that’s where sometimes they start overusing things because they know that there’s no limit going to be in place. Um, and validation is a… it’s a kind of different language. So it’s not typical that we would always be like, “I understand that you’re on video games for 3 hours and this is really important to you.” We want to swift in and rescue sometimes. So I would say that it takes practice. Nobody’s going to get it right the first time, and I have to correct myself sometimes too because it’s not… it’s not typical, um, and it can be learned.

Good, that’s… that’s encouraging. Um, based on your, you know, education and… and professional tenure, what age-appropriate guidelines do you suggest for screen time, and how do these evolve as children mature?

Yeah, so I think we… we got to be mindful of the year we’re in, number one, because it’s… it’s definitely shifted. If you asked me this question 12 years ago, it would have been very, very different, right? If you asked me this question in 2020, it probably would have been different too. But in general, I would say from the ages 2 to 5, the research says that one to two hours of screen time is appropriate per day, with supervision, of course, so you can manage the content of what the child is watching. And then up until about 13, that’s when, you know, parents should be helping the child strike a balance. It’s easy to overuse technology, get sucked into a cartoon, for example. So parents want to be um making sure that if it’s like an hour on technology, let’s do an hour off of technology. And, you know, not using technology into the late hours of the night. Having some time to decompress, unwind, let’s take care of ourselves, do our hygiene. So making sure that those things are inserted into their schedule as priorities as well, and not making technology the only priority.

Once they become a teenager, and that’s the way that they’re connecting, you know, that could be the way they look up their online assignments, that could be the way they know something’s going on. It’s just that negotiation. So you may be able to give them a little bit more. You still want to supervise to make sure nothing concerning is coming up. But I think it’s a case-by-case thing and it depends on, you know, what the function is for the technology. If they’re avoiding something, you know, that may be where you want to have an open conversation about it. But that might not be it. It might not be a specific stamp on a number of hours, it might just be on, “Does this child have a balance?”

Yeah, and I… I always um encourage parents to look at, is it just passive consumption, or is it active creation or curation or competition, connection? You… there’s different types of screen time. Not all screen time is equal.

Yeah, because there’s so many people that I’m able to connect with myself as an adult, and the only way I can connect with them is on social media.

There you go. So I… I get it. Yeah, for sure.

Um, what would you say are some practical tips for parents to stay informed about their children’s online activities without invading their privacy?

Yeah, so in terms of not invading their privacy, make it clear. “I don’t… I don’t know the answers. Can you tell me more about this? Tell me more about what Instagram is. What do you like to put on Instagram? What do you see on Instagram? What is Snapchat?” So asking questions, you know, not making assumptions. And, you know, if the child is hesitant about sharing, you know, ask why, because sometimes there’s that fear of judgment. I think it’s also important to, you know, talk to other parents sometimes and make sure that you have some support around you because oftentimes we don’t know everything and we need another adult to rely on. But we always want to make sure we don’t make assumptions.

Yeah, I’m glad you brought that up: leaning on other parents. Back in 2017, I started a Facebook group called Parenting in a Tech World because I needed that help, right? I’m in this space and I needed that help. Fast forward to today, and now it has over 440,000 parents in that group, and we are talking about these exact things all the time. That’s a great resource. It’s a great resource, and it’s free. So anybody… if you’re like, “I need a community of parents,” there you go, if you’re on Facebook. And I get it if you’re not, but if you are, it’s right there for you. Please welcome to… and you’re welcome to be there as long as you’re nice to one another. If you are not nice to other people, you do get the boot. But that’s how your validation skills… use your validation skills.

Um, let’s see. Oh, this is a good one. This is an important one. So RJ, are there particular types of negative tech experiences that pose a higher risk to children’s mental health? And if so, how can parents preemptively address these risks?

Yeah, that’s… this is the tough part with technology. You’re more vulnerable to cyberbullying, of course, and lots of other things. This can be featured online. There could be pictures of self-harm, you know, eating disordered behaviors. Sometimes even just clicking on the news could be rough for a child, uh-huh, because there’s always something going on. And, you know, social media… kids could be posting, “I went to this event; all of us went to this event,” and now the child feels like, “I’m not included,” right? So I think that, you know, preemptively, parents need to say, “Hey, you know, I’m going to give you a phone. Talk to me about what’s going on if anything upsets you.” I think also noticing when things are going on, like if the child is just changing their appetite, or all of a sudden they don’t want to hang out with this friend that they were just best friends with yesterday, or there’s increased irritability… you know, not just jumping to, “Oh my gosh, it’s their technology,” but asking questions about it. And, you know, making sure they understand ahead of time, “Hey, I’m a soft space to land if anything happens. I want to talk about it, okay? And I won’t judge you.”

This leads me to… I mean, it’s like you knew what I was about to ask. Uh, how can parents initiate open conversations with their children about online experiences? Because, from personal experience, you know, sometimes your kid just doesn’t want to talk to you. Mhm. So, like, what are some tips outside of remaining open, calm, validating? Is there some magic trick, or is it just keep trying?

I definitely say keep trying. Don’t give up, for sure. We don’t ever want to stop talking about something concerning. I think that, you know, sometimes undivided attention, when it comes to something like this, is really important. So validation can be broken down sometimes. Sometimes it’s just about paying attention, you know, noticing what’s going on without even communicating first, and then making your observations. Like, “Hey, I’m noticing this. Hey, I’m noticing that.” So one of the things we do here is checking the facts. That’s another DBT school where we just ask questions. We’re not even sure about the information that we’re going to get that we might have to validate. It’s just a step before that to understand what’s really going on. And, you know… you know, not giving up is important. Having an open-door policy, okay? You know, it’s one thing to say, “Hey, come to me at any time once you’re struggling,” and then the parent’s never available. So I think that, outside of validation, you have to make sure that you’re even ready to validate.

What are some of those, um, those questions that you might ask, just to calibrate where the child is?

Yeah, that’s a good question as well. So, you know, if you offer your child, “Hey, here’s your screen time. You know, you can have it from 4:00 to 5:00,” and then after that, they come down and they turn their phone in, and there’s no communication, and then they go up to their room and they start crying, you know, in that type of situation, it would be helpful for the parent to go, “Hey, I noticed that when you came back downstairs and your screen time was over, you sort of turned your phone in, and, you know, you went back upstairs and you started crying. Tell me more about that,” not just going upstairs and being like, “You’re crying because of the phone.” It could be a multiple of different things. And so checking the facts is basically, “I don’t know what’s going on. Tell me more about it.” Very open-ended questions. Try not to use too many closed-ended questions because, you know, especially for teenagers, a lot of words are just going to be “yes” or “no.” Uh-huh. So try to ask, like, things that don’t result in the “yes” or “no” to check the facts.

So, RJ, I know we all have to have a healthy balance with tech, both adults and children and teenagers, but what signs should parents be vigilant for that might indicate their child is experiencing withdrawal or negative effects from social media use?

Yeah, I would say rapid changes in their mood. You know, if they’re ups and downs, too many ups and downs throughout the day… You know, teenagers, especially, they have their hormones circulating through their body, but if there are so many mood shifts throughout the day, especially after they’ve had access to technology, that might be something to look out for. Changes in appetite, once again. Changes in… whether it means eating much more or eating much less, it can go both ways. Changes in their sleep, um, you know, changes in their hygiene. All of a sudden wearing the same clothes every day or not wanting to take a shower. Those are things to look out for, I would say, as, like, first warning signs.

So if a parent does notice those signs, what should they do?

Yeah, so I think it goes back to number one, pointing out, “This is what I’m noticing.” Checking the facts first and, you know, letting them know, like, “Let’s have a conversation about this.” And this is… I think it’s okay for the parent to say, “This concerns me,” and I think that helps the child know, like, number one, “My parent’s paying attention,” and number two, “Okay, this is something that we should really talk about.” It’s not just about, like, ignoring the behavior.

Yeah, I think that’s really important.

And then, you know, if it continues, of course, seeking outside support. So maybe that means, you know, getting a therapist involved or a psychiatrist or a doctor… somebody who can really assess what’s going on.

Absolutely. Well, RJ, this has been such an informative conversation. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me today. I know that our audience is going to benefit greatly from your insights and expertise.

Thank you so much for having me.

Absolutely. And to everyone watching and listening, thank you for joining us. We hope you found this conversation helpful. Remember, you are not alone in navigating the challenges of mental health in the digital age. There are resources available to support you and your family. Take care and be well.