Building Friendships: A Real-World Guide for Teens (and the Adults Who Support Them)

By: June Davis, LMSW

Teens often feel like everyone else has friendship all figured out, but making friends at any stage of life can be tough, especially if you’re shy, anxious, or don’t know where to start. What teens often don’t realize is that many of their peers struggle with building friendships as well. The truth is, making friends is a skill you learn, not something you’re just born knowing. Friendships happen when you’re consistently showing up, being open, and letting things build over time. Real connection takes practice and often involves some awkward moments. This guide is for anyone who wants to build connections that feel real and doable, not forced or unrealistic. Here are low-key ways to build connection:

• Be Around Regularly. Familiarity builds comfort. Sit near the same people in class or at practice. Join something that meets weekly, like a club, team, or volunteer group. Being around consistently helps others warm up, and you’ll start to feel more at ease too.
• Start Small. Borrow a pen. Ask a quick question. These tiny moments open the door to connection. You’re not bothering anyone, you’re inviting interaction. Want proof? Look up the “Ben Franklin Effect.”
• Offer Something Light. Compliment someone’s hoodie. Hold the door. Share gum or snacks. These casual gestures are quiet ways of saying “I see you.” They often spark more than you’d expect.
• Connect Through Doing. If talking feels too big, consider helping with tasks like setting up chairs or cleaning up after an event. Shared tasks let the connection build naturally while taking the pressure off the conversation.
• React Instead of Lead. You don’t have to carry the interaction. Nod, laugh, or say “same” when someone shares something. These simple responses show you’re listening and make people feel seen.
• Give It Time. Not everyone opens up fast. That doesn’t mean they’re not interested. Keep showing up, stay kind, and let trust build at its own pace.

There are a couple DBT skills that help build trust and connection. Here are the steps for the GIVE skill:

• Gentle: Choose kindness in your words and presence. There’s no place for subtle digs or passive jabs if you’re trying to build a real connection.
• Interested: Give people your full attention by asking questions and being phone-free.
• Validate: Validation is about showing someone you get where they’re coming from. You don’t have to agree with everything they say or fix their problems. You just have to show them you hear them. Saying something like “That sucks” or “I’d be upset too” can go a long way. It’s not about proving a point. It’s about stepping into their shoes and letting them know their feelings make sense.
• Easy manner: Relax as best you can. The key is being yourself and avoiding the impulse to impress.

The DBT skill FAST helps you build a connection without losing yourself in the process.

• Fair: Be fair with your own feelings while still considering the impact on others.
• Apologies: You don’t need to say sorry for having boundaries, opinions, or needs. Use apologies when they’re appropriate, not out of habit.
• Stick to values: Your actions and decisions should reflect your beliefs, not pressure from others.
• Truthful: Say what you actually feel or need. You don’t have to act helpless or bend the truth to get your point across or get your needs met.

Overthinking Every Interaction? If you replay everything you said, assume you’re annoying, or panic about sounding weird, you’re not alone. Overthinking is very common, and it makes social risks feel so much bigger than they are. Try this instead:

• Remind yourself that most people are thinking about themselves, not judging you (it’s true).
• Be awkward and kind. That works better than being perfect and invisible.
• Remember, you don’t have to replay every conversation to stay safe. It’s okay to leave it where it was.
• Use this grounding thought: “Trying matters more than impressing”.

Tips for Caregivers

• Teens may not ask for help, but many still want support. The goal is to offer subtle guidance that helps them feel capable, without controlling them or creating added pressure.
• Celebrate effort, not popularity: Praise courage, not outcomes.
• Practice small moves: Role-play casual greetings or responses.
• Normalize ups and downs: Drifting or feeling left out is part of growing up.
• Create repeated exposure: Clubs, teams, or volunteering help connections form naturally.
• Support presence over performance: Teens don’t need to impress, just be kind and consistent.
• Teach quiet boundaries: If a friendship drains them, help them step back calmly.
• Incentivize bravery: Offer rewards for small social risks, like saying hi to someone new.
• Help them know themselves: Teens connect more easily when they understand who they are.

Making friends doesn’t require a script or a new personality. Most connection starts in the smallest moments, like sitting nearby, offering help, asking a question, or just showing up again tomorrow. The best relationships often begin without anyone noticing. All it takes is one small step at a time.